When it Rains, it Pours

What a perfect day for heaven's tears. 

My pain and tears are masked by the rain.

I know that our Dad is crying with us too...

11 months weak - lacking the power to perform physical tasks.... 

but in a sense 11 months strong - having the power to control my mind, senses, and emotions.

Love those that are strong enough to stick by your side.


<3

We can't predicted the unpredictable...

Life seems to be a little bit harder then normal. While everyone around me is able to live a normal life. I feel like I have to do everything to try to be "normal" be the way I was before things feel through.
It's the people that I choose to surround myself with that keep me from going under. It has been 11 months since my daddy left and I cant even being to explain how hard, even 11 months later, things are.

Reality is something most days I don't want to face. I want to be able to pick up my phone and have my dad on the other line. When people say they wish there was a phone to heaven that is no joke. It hurts.

Luckily I  have such amazing people in my life. Mainly my family. They are so strong for me and are a constant reminder that no matter what we have each other.

Having the best mother on earth sure does make things easier. She is an angel. Her words are so comforting, and even though this isn't her issue she does ANYTHING and EVERYTHING possible to take a little pressure off.

I so proud of all of my brothers and the choices that they make everyday to be the best people they can be, for chasing their dreams and making things happen! I am also so proud of myself. I've pushed through when I was expected to fail, and it would have been acceptable...

Loosing someone you love is unreal. Loosing THE BEST DAD on EARTH.. that is a life crusher. It'll get you. My wish is that one day I will be able to celebrate his life, instead of dwelling on the choice that he made.

Our Family Is FOREVER.

Dizzy

Lesson learned. Don't chase. The right one WILL come around :)

Perfectly stated.

All You Gotta Do Is Stay White And Die...

I always find myself thinking.. well I have to do this...

Truth is, you don't have to do anything at all. All you HAVE to do in this lifetime is stay white and die. 

Simply stated.

My daddy would remind me of this on a daily basis.. and today especially (the 16th-- hitting me like a ton of bricks like always--) I have been thinking about him.

He did more then just "stay white and die" he has given me so much knowledge and advise to take on the world. He showed me unconditional love, and was someone that no matter what, he was always there to help. His decision was irrational, however from a man that preached.. if you don't want to, don't!! He sure did more then just that. He was the type of person that left a huge impact on you. He left you thinking. He had something about him. He was the one man in the world that when he told me something, I would believe it despite everything else. I miss being able to call him and tell him about the men, I want his advise on what I should and shouldn't do. He was a player--but never would let his little princess get played. I wanted more then anything for him to walk me down the isle. Its the little basic things in life that people often overlook, but once it's gone you realize how important the little things are! No one will ever replace him..

I miss my dad so much, but I do have to continually remind myself that I would rather have had my dad for the 19 and a half years that I did, then any other man take his place.

Loveee

Love yourself.

Take today to appreciate who you are. 

Valentines day is the sweetest most romantic holiday of the year...

If you don't have someone to share it with, spoil yourself. You are worth it! :)

<3

Mortified..

Never in my life did I think we would have to do things with out our Dad. Even if it was just being sick, or having a bad day he was always there for you even if it was simple as just talking. Surgery thursday-- I don't think I have ever been more scared. I am glad I can put this experience in my year of "firsts" as well. I miss my dad. I wish more then anything he was here.

Its my mom who is a true saint, when the world falls a part she is the first person to pick me up. She is the most amazing mom and friend anyone could ask for. She has never given up, she has never let me down, she has never not been there for me. No distance will ever keep us a part. However the lack of her picking up her phone is... something else.

I am mortified.... but I know I will make it through. I have a guardian angle watching over me--daddy, and an angel on earth-- mommy. In good hands. Blessed.

<3

Lapsed

Your wish is my command....

I see it like a drug, something that is addicting... it hurts you,, but while you are high the high never gets old..  Its something you find yourself falling in love with. Something that you don't ever want to picture yourself with out.. until one day you come to terms with yourself, that like a drug,-- it will never add value to life. It is not something that can't live with out me. It is not something that has dreams about a future.

There is nothing about it that keeps me holding on. Just not enough STRENGTH to overcome the withdraws. Like every other strong person that overcomes addiction, it is something that will soon be overcome. It will take strength, support, and sacrifice....

Like a drug addict--I've lapsed.

Its emotional addicting. I know I am better off with out. 

It won't be until the day I realize I am better and stronger then the drug, and once my mind, body, and heart are in sync it will just take a matter of seconds to let it all go.