Cleanse

The worst part is knowing what is the worst thing for you.... you want. Like wanting something you can't have.. or you can and it eats at you until you get rid of it...

Not that its garbage, but I need a life cleanse. First by force, now by choice.

Each day I grow stronger and stronger, sure there are days I am weak, feel lost, broken, hurt... all the above -- blah blah blah. But I start every day off NEW, and fresh. I set goals, make my self promises. When I feel like giving up, giving in... I dont. Because I can honestly say for the first time in my life I don't want my past. I deserve better, Im ready.

kdajsdasa. Blah.

The dysfunction I have allowed is beyond me... I know my worth, and not only that I am highly intelligent. From an outsider looking in I would call the dummy in my shoes.... well, a dummy.  As I attempt to remain calm, remain silent, and allow God to romance me I feel like my heart is pounding so hard, nearly out of my chest. My blood is literally boiling. I want this madness to disappear.


Blahhh... :(

Kneel.

Its been a while... and the "while" has been good.
Pouring my life's frustration out... whelp, again here it goes.

Like always the one person I need more of in my life is God, and it is only my fault, I am the one to blame. I notice that I pray for him and ask him for help when I am hurting and when I need his strength. I never get down on two knees and thank him for all the wonderful things and all of the days where I feel satisfied with my life. That is an issue, and something I need to work on.
I have so many blessings, there are many that I don't understand, I probably wont tomorrow either, but in due time I know God will give me a reason. I know he puts people in my life to help me and hurt me... but its all a plan. God has s plan for me, and instead of trying to figure it out and resist, I need to, for the second time in my life let him take over, let God romance me.

The small things that seem to consume my day in a month or a year when I look back will be so silly and  I will have wished that I didn't let them bother me... However I am only human so I cant help but hurt, I cant help but let the small things consume. Until now... I am making the choice to just give each irritating thing 1 minute then moving on. Things I cant control minimum 30 seconds.

How practical is this all? I feel like I am talking out of my ass really. Hmm.. Well Fake it Until You Make It.... 

Here it goes.

God Romance

God please romance me.
Although it's not the hardest thing I've faced it still hurts. In the moment of pain, I'll remain silent. I'll let God in my life, he has my plan, and he runs me. I'm letting you take over God.  Please fill my heart and give me strength. I NEED you God.

Checkyouself before it recksyou!

When is Enough really Enough? I don't know when I will break, when I will crumble, when I wont physically, mentally, emotionally be able to take the beating. This highs are high, I feel indestructible. The lows are low, I gasp for air. I want neutral. I'm afraid I want to make someone what it isn't. I want more for myself. Whether it's here or elsewhere I am making it happen. Respect me, love me, cherish me....When you are the best you can get the best. Be the best...
This is a personal reality check.

repeat

"Get skinny" playlist on repeat.

I want to be better for me. I want my body to feel better, I want to look better, I what to be comfortable and confident in my own skin. Standing naked I want to not pinch or pull, not wish or hope. I need to look at myself with respect, with confidence, without placing judgement. 

Lacking confidence is not sexy... gotta get back the umphhh

Its more then a playlist. The truth is I feel so hurt, so lost, so out of good logical words. I have been betrayed. I have chosen to let my confidence go, chosen to let someone else determine my value.

I want strength--that no matter who chooses to belittle me, hurt me, not see me for my true worth to let them pass from my life. Without respecting yourself you cant expect someone else to respect you. 

God is Good

Stole the idea from someone else's blog... it's great. God is good.

I am not confident

I don’t even like myself

I am such a sinner

I am so mean and bossy

I can be selfish and arrogant

At times I am too aggressive

Other times I have attitude

I am drama

I am focused on the bad things and find it hard to see the good 

I mess up relationships

I am not where I want to be in life goals or in Christ

Fortunately I am redeemed

Fortunately I am saved by grace through faith in Jesus Christ

Who is working on me, changing me, molding me

Fortunately this life is not about me

Fortunately I am attempting to become more Christ-like everyday

Thankfully God is in ultimate control and not me

Today is a new day, a new chance to get right with God

To get on board with His agenda and priorities and plan for my life!

Often time I try to control everything! First I must take my Dad's advice. Control what you can. Second I need to realize that God has a plan for me and need to just roll with the punches. Allow myself to feel.