God Romance

God please romance me.
Although it's not the hardest thing I've faced it still hurts. In the moment of pain, I'll remain silent. I'll let God in my life, he has my plan, and he runs me. I'm letting you take over God.  Please fill my heart and give me strength. I NEED you God.

Checkyouself before it recksyou!

When is Enough really Enough? I don't know when I will break, when I will crumble, when I wont physically, mentally, emotionally be able to take the beating. This highs are high, I feel indestructible. The lows are low, I gasp for air. I want neutral. I'm afraid I want to make someone what it isn't. I want more for myself. Whether it's here or elsewhere I am making it happen. Respect me, love me, cherish me....When you are the best you can get the best. Be the best...
This is a personal reality check.

repeat

"Get skinny" playlist on repeat.

I want to be better for me. I want my body to feel better, I want to look better, I what to be comfortable and confident in my own skin. Standing naked I want to not pinch or pull, not wish or hope. I need to look at myself with respect, with confidence, without placing judgement. 

Lacking confidence is not sexy... gotta get back the umphhh

Its more then a playlist. The truth is I feel so hurt, so lost, so out of good logical words. I have been betrayed. I have chosen to let my confidence go, chosen to let someone else determine my value.

I want strength--that no matter who chooses to belittle me, hurt me, not see me for my true worth to let them pass from my life. Without respecting yourself you cant expect someone else to respect you. 

God is Good

Stole the idea from someone else's blog... it's great. God is good.

I am not confident

I don’t even like myself

I am such a sinner

I am so mean and bossy

I can be selfish and arrogant

At times I am too aggressive

Other times I have attitude

I am drama

I am focused on the bad things and find it hard to see the good 

I mess up relationships

I am not where I want to be in life goals or in Christ

Fortunately I am redeemed

Fortunately I am saved by grace through faith in Jesus Christ

Who is working on me, changing me, molding me

Fortunately this life is not about me

Fortunately I am attempting to become more Christ-like everyday

Thankfully God is in ultimate control and not me

Today is a new day, a new chance to get right with God

To get on board with His agenda and priorities and plan for my life!

Often time I try to control everything! First I must take my Dad's advice. Control what you can. Second I need to realize that God has a plan for me and need to just roll with the punches. Allow myself to feel.

Loveee

Sick to my stomach. I am unable to express the true feelings. They are so deep, so real... but almost fake because they go without notice. Insecurities make me hide them, rejection is a true fear. Maybe not so much even rejection, more just the vulnerablability of allowing things to happen that shouldn't.
Its never been so hard, which makes me think its never been real. Or maybe I'm just a fool...

I hope for a happy ending, or wish there never has a happy beginning.

Not so Happy F-day

Heavens tears poured today... I know he feels the pain I feel, that no one can fathom. I know he cares about me and loves me more then his actions showed. 
I am grateful for the friends that reached out to me... and the amazing mom that does both now.


This day is crummy. Period.

Temporary Thoughts

My friend sent me something on temporary thoughts, she gave me a lot to think about...

I think a lot, more then I should... My thoughts are usually temporary. I become a victim of my thoughts. I often over analyze, over think, and read into things too much-- assumptions. My perceived thought is neither real no fake. All it is... is a process of making or breaking reality. I should say making or shattering reality, i'm dramatic.

These thoughts whether I take them positive or negative turn into feelings. These feelings can either controlling or be controlled.

My new years resolution was to be present in the moment. Whether it be spending time with someone, holding a conversation, listening in class, or going to sleep at night... free of distractions and giving 100 percent to what I was doing.

The only thing I am unable to turn off are my thoughts. I often think of the same things over and over again, I have noticed that I focus on things I cannot control, even when dreaming. Since the traumatic event a year ago things have gotten out of hand and I am now ready and emotional able to control things in my life.

I love the quote, " If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude." Thoughts and feelings can be our worst nightmare, that is if we let them have that power. No longer are my thoughts in control. I am. Then God.