repeat

"Get skinny" playlist on repeat.

I want to be better for me. I want my body to feel better, I want to look better, I what to be comfortable and confident in my own skin. Standing naked I want to not pinch or pull, not wish or hope. I need to look at myself with respect, with confidence, without placing judgement. 

Lacking confidence is not sexy... gotta get back the umphhh

Its more then a playlist. The truth is I feel so hurt, so lost, so out of good logical words. I have been betrayed. I have chosen to let my confidence go, chosen to let someone else determine my value.

I want strength--that no matter who chooses to belittle me, hurt me, not see me for my true worth to let them pass from my life. Without respecting yourself you cant expect someone else to respect you. 

God is Good

Stole the idea from someone else's blog... it's great. God is good.

I am not confident

I don’t even like myself

I am such a sinner

I am so mean and bossy

I can be selfish and arrogant

At times I am too aggressive

Other times I have attitude

I am drama

I am focused on the bad things and find it hard to see the good 

I mess up relationships

I am not where I want to be in life goals or in Christ

Fortunately I am redeemed

Fortunately I am saved by grace through faith in Jesus Christ

Who is working on me, changing me, molding me

Fortunately this life is not about me

Fortunately I am attempting to become more Christ-like everyday

Thankfully God is in ultimate control and not me

Today is a new day, a new chance to get right with God

To get on board with His agenda and priorities and plan for my life!

Often time I try to control everything! First I must take my Dad's advice. Control what you can. Second I need to realize that God has a plan for me and need to just roll with the punches. Allow myself to feel.

Loveee

Sick to my stomach. I am unable to express the true feelings. They are so deep, so real... but almost fake because they go without notice. Insecurities make me hide them, rejection is a true fear. Maybe not so much even rejection, more just the vulnerablability of allowing things to happen that shouldn't.
Its never been so hard, which makes me think its never been real. Or maybe I'm just a fool...

I hope for a happy ending, or wish there never has a happy beginning.

Not so Happy F-day

Heavens tears poured today... I know he feels the pain I feel, that no one can fathom. I know he cares about me and loves me more then his actions showed. 
I am grateful for the friends that reached out to me... and the amazing mom that does both now.


This day is crummy. Period.

Temporary Thoughts

My friend sent me something on temporary thoughts, she gave me a lot to think about...

I think a lot, more then I should... My thoughts are usually temporary. I become a victim of my thoughts. I often over analyze, over think, and read into things too much-- assumptions. My perceived thought is neither real no fake. All it is... is a process of making or breaking reality. I should say making or shattering reality, i'm dramatic.

These thoughts whether I take them positive or negative turn into feelings. These feelings can either controlling or be controlled.

My new years resolution was to be present in the moment. Whether it be spending time with someone, holding a conversation, listening in class, or going to sleep at night... free of distractions and giving 100 percent to what I was doing.

The only thing I am unable to turn off are my thoughts. I often think of the same things over and over again, I have noticed that I focus on things I cannot control, even when dreaming. Since the traumatic event a year ago things have gotten out of hand and I am now ready and emotional able to control things in my life.

I love the quote, " If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude." Thoughts and feelings can be our worst nightmare, that is if we let them have that power. No longer are my thoughts in control. I am. Then God.

Year of firsts..

As the year of first comes to an end I find myself becoming weak, loosing faith, and distancing myself.. I have so much to reflect on…

Easter, Fathers day, Birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentines.. Not to mention everyday life.

Moments that are supposed to be happy, are hard. I STRUGGLE.

Although it was the HAREST year of my life. I have so much to be grateful for.

Family is the most important thing to me. 

I finally have a SISITER. She is so beautiful, and has brought me so much joy. I know how much my dad would have loved her! 

I have the four most amazing brothers on Earth they have given me hope, faith, and strength to be able to make it through the year. We all do miss our Daddy and they provide me with a great reminder that my Dad loves me so much.  I see so much of my dad in them, he still lives - through them.

My mother is a saint, literally, always puts us first. Takes the time to listen, give advice, lets me cry, but most importantly takes weight off my shoulders.  She lets me be mean and vicious and still loves me more and more each day.

Quint too, he doesn’t get a lot of credit but he has had to step up and not only has he helped my mom he has helped all 5 of us.

I am allergic to my tears.

Who would have thought it was possible! Well after crying for a straight 365 days I don’t think my body, especially under my eyes, loves me! I love crying. It lets out so much frustration that I have for my dad. It also helps me see the world a little more clear.

I am oversensitive and weak, yet so strong and determined

I’ve been hard to handle, my mom told me just the other day that when I come home its hard. I’d like to still blame it on my dad.. but I have come to terms with myself that he has been gone nearly a year. Some days might be harder then others but everyone is fighting some kind of battle of their own. I am entitled to be sad, but my bitterness doesn’t need to come out. I am determined to be normal, to let the small stuff slide.

Mainly I just miss my Dad more then I can explain in words, I am so frustrated with him for leaving me…  Yes I’m selfish. I’ve had my way since day one, literally… so when something is taken from my life and is unable to be replaced its weird. Not to mention my dad.

Since he left my thought is “ How is this my reality” I am still looking for an answer.

I still remember the last time I saw him, our last facebook conversation, his last text message, the last time he called me.. All but seeing him it was the day he left. I wish more then anything, I didn’t have to say that.

Cherish those who are strong enough to stick by your side. <3

easier said then done.

I wish it was just that, the day we celebrate his life...
If only things were as easy as we would like...

As the days approach the one year mark, I slowly start to feel myself loosing it. Loosing strength, faith, hope, desire, and determination. I can think of more reasons why you should be here, present and living with me then in heaven. Its hard to remember when you are not here to remind me that you love me, and I am your princess.