Willingness

I have given this a lot of thought...
The Devil has his ways at hurting you, and hurting those around you. We must place our faith in God and let him take over, let him tell us what he has in store for us.
Now tell me if I am wrong...
The Devil is taking over this world because people, including me, are not allowing God to work. We are making excuses like, "It's hard," okay well no shit its hard. If it were easy you wouldn't need that phony excuse. Its satin getting the best of us when we make choices that hurt ourselves and those around us. When we choose to live addictive lifestyles. It will never change overnight, we will still make mistakes but placing that faith in the Lord will eventually break Satin down and give you that part of your life back.

God wont work and fight for you until you are willing to work and fight for yourself.

With agency we have choice, and.the first second you allow God in and really welcome him into your life. Then allow him to take over your battle you will be so shocked how many wonderful things you have been missing out on.

Simplicity

I am confident in my own skin, its beautiful and I just realized today. I have things figured out for the most part. No matter what gets thrown my way I can handle it.
I go to school daily feeling beautiful, just rolled out of bead sweats and all. I don't need to be "glammed" up.
I am in love, and in love with myself. I allow people in my life that aren't right for me, but the more I think about it, they are there for a reason. They are there so I can be an example to them, be that solid rock and support system.
I count my blessings daily, my family which is my foundation and my daddy watching over me above. I've got it all...and what I don't have either I will work to get, or I don't want. Its simple.
I don't need a man telling me my worth, if he doesn't see what I see he is the one that is twisted anyway. I don't need anyone. I need me! and.. I love that.

Very Convincing

I'd like to think its common, but in all reality I know it's not.

I make things up in my head, make excuses and lies to make things seem better. I convince myself theses lies are true, and I believe it. It's a sickness. I am not able to tell my story like it is. I cannot even be honest with myself. Honesty is something that I value, so why can't I start admitting what is acceptable and not? Why am I not able to face the facts and dysfunction of my own life and call it just that. Dysfunction. Sadi you don't want that. Its DYSFUNCTIONAL.
I need something real. Something that doesn't need a good story behind it to be justified.

Cleanse

The worst part is knowing what is the worst thing for you.... you want. Like wanting something you can't have.. or you can and it eats at you until you get rid of it...

Not that its garbage, but I need a life cleanse. First by force, now by choice.

Each day I grow stronger and stronger, sure there are days I am weak, feel lost, broken, hurt... all the above -- blah blah blah. But I start every day off NEW, and fresh. I set goals, make my self promises. When I feel like giving up, giving in... I dont. Because I can honestly say for the first time in my life I don't want my past. I deserve better, Im ready.

kdajsdasa. Blah.

The dysfunction I have allowed is beyond me... I know my worth, and not only that I am highly intelligent. From an outsider looking in I would call the dummy in my shoes.... well, a dummy.  As I attempt to remain calm, remain silent, and allow God to romance me I feel like my heart is pounding so hard, nearly out of my chest. My blood is literally boiling. I want this madness to disappear.


Blahhh... :(

Kneel.

Its been a while... and the "while" has been good.
Pouring my life's frustration out... whelp, again here it goes.

Like always the one person I need more of in my life is God, and it is only my fault, I am the one to blame. I notice that I pray for him and ask him for help when I am hurting and when I need his strength. I never get down on two knees and thank him for all the wonderful things and all of the days where I feel satisfied with my life. That is an issue, and something I need to work on.
I have so many blessings, there are many that I don't understand, I probably wont tomorrow either, but in due time I know God will give me a reason. I know he puts people in my life to help me and hurt me... but its all a plan. God has s plan for me, and instead of trying to figure it out and resist, I need to, for the second time in my life let him take over, let God romance me.

The small things that seem to consume my day in a month or a year when I look back will be so silly and  I will have wished that I didn't let them bother me... However I am only human so I cant help but hurt, I cant help but let the small things consume. Until now... I am making the choice to just give each irritating thing 1 minute then moving on. Things I cant control minimum 30 seconds.

How practical is this all? I feel like I am talking out of my ass really. Hmm.. Well Fake it Until You Make It.... 

Here it goes.

God Romance

God please romance me.
Although it's not the hardest thing I've faced it still hurts. In the moment of pain, I'll remain silent. I'll let God in my life, he has my plan, and he runs me. I'm letting you take over God.  Please fill my heart and give me strength. I NEED you God.

Checkyouself before it recksyou!

When is Enough really Enough? I don't know when I will break, when I will crumble, when I wont physically, mentally, emotionally be able to take the beating. This highs are high, I feel indestructible. The lows are low, I gasp for air. I want neutral. I'm afraid I want to make someone what it isn't. I want more for myself. Whether it's here or elsewhere I am making it happen. Respect me, love me, cherish me....When you are the best you can get the best. Be the best...
This is a personal reality check.

repeat

"Get skinny" playlist on repeat.

I want to be better for me. I want my body to feel better, I want to look better, I what to be comfortable and confident in my own skin. Standing naked I want to not pinch or pull, not wish or hope. I need to look at myself with respect, with confidence, without placing judgement. 

Lacking confidence is not sexy... gotta get back the umphhh

Its more then a playlist. The truth is I feel so hurt, so lost, so out of good logical words. I have been betrayed. I have chosen to let my confidence go, chosen to let someone else determine my value.

I want strength--that no matter who chooses to belittle me, hurt me, not see me for my true worth to let them pass from my life. Without respecting yourself you cant expect someone else to respect you. 

God is Good

Stole the idea from someone else's blog... it's great. God is good.

I am not confident

I don’t even like myself

I am such a sinner

I am so mean and bossy

I can be selfish and arrogant

At times I am too aggressive

Other times I have attitude

I am drama

I am focused on the bad things and find it hard to see the good 

I mess up relationships

I am not where I want to be in life goals or in Christ

Fortunately I am redeemed

Fortunately I am saved by grace through faith in Jesus Christ

Who is working on me, changing me, molding me

Fortunately this life is not about me

Fortunately I am attempting to become more Christ-like everyday

Thankfully God is in ultimate control and not me

Today is a new day, a new chance to get right with God

To get on board with His agenda and priorities and plan for my life!

Often time I try to control everything! First I must take my Dad's advice. Control what you can. Second I need to realize that God has a plan for me and need to just roll with the punches. Allow myself to feel.

Loveee

Sick to my stomach. I am unable to express the true feelings. They are so deep, so real... but almost fake because they go without notice. Insecurities make me hide them, rejection is a true fear. Maybe not so much even rejection, more just the vulnerablability of allowing things to happen that shouldn't.
Its never been so hard, which makes me think its never been real. Or maybe I'm just a fool...

I hope for a happy ending, or wish there never has a happy beginning.

Not so Happy F-day

Heavens tears poured today... I know he feels the pain I feel, that no one can fathom. I know he cares about me and loves me more then his actions showed. 
I am grateful for the friends that reached out to me... and the amazing mom that does both now.


This day is crummy. Period.

Temporary Thoughts

My friend sent me something on temporary thoughts, she gave me a lot to think about...

I think a lot, more then I should... My thoughts are usually temporary. I become a victim of my thoughts. I often over analyze, over think, and read into things too much-- assumptions. My perceived thought is neither real no fake. All it is... is a process of making or breaking reality. I should say making or shattering reality, i'm dramatic.

These thoughts whether I take them positive or negative turn into feelings. These feelings can either controlling or be controlled.

My new years resolution was to be present in the moment. Whether it be spending time with someone, holding a conversation, listening in class, or going to sleep at night... free of distractions and giving 100 percent to what I was doing.

The only thing I am unable to turn off are my thoughts. I often think of the same things over and over again, I have noticed that I focus on things I cannot control, even when dreaming. Since the traumatic event a year ago things have gotten out of hand and I am now ready and emotional able to control things in my life.

I love the quote, " If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude." Thoughts and feelings can be our worst nightmare, that is if we let them have that power. No longer are my thoughts in control. I am. Then God.

Year of firsts..

As the year of first comes to an end I find myself becoming weak, loosing faith, and distancing myself.. I have so much to reflect on…

Easter, Fathers day, Birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentines.. Not to mention everyday life.

Moments that are supposed to be happy, are hard. I STRUGGLE.

Although it was the HAREST year of my life. I have so much to be grateful for.

Family is the most important thing to me. 

I finally have a SISITER. She is so beautiful, and has brought me so much joy. I know how much my dad would have loved her! 

I have the four most amazing brothers on Earth they have given me hope, faith, and strength to be able to make it through the year. We all do miss our Daddy and they provide me with a great reminder that my Dad loves me so much.  I see so much of my dad in them, he still lives - through them.

My mother is a saint, literally, always puts us first. Takes the time to listen, give advice, lets me cry, but most importantly takes weight off my shoulders.  She lets me be mean and vicious and still loves me more and more each day.

Quint too, he doesn’t get a lot of credit but he has had to step up and not only has he helped my mom he has helped all 5 of us.

I am allergic to my tears.

Who would have thought it was possible! Well after crying for a straight 365 days I don’t think my body, especially under my eyes, loves me! I love crying. It lets out so much frustration that I have for my dad. It also helps me see the world a little more clear.

I am oversensitive and weak, yet so strong and determined

I’ve been hard to handle, my mom told me just the other day that when I come home its hard. I’d like to still blame it on my dad.. but I have come to terms with myself that he has been gone nearly a year. Some days might be harder then others but everyone is fighting some kind of battle of their own. I am entitled to be sad, but my bitterness doesn’t need to come out. I am determined to be normal, to let the small stuff slide.

Mainly I just miss my Dad more then I can explain in words, I am so frustrated with him for leaving me…  Yes I’m selfish. I’ve had my way since day one, literally… so when something is taken from my life and is unable to be replaced its weird. Not to mention my dad.

Since he left my thought is “ How is this my reality” I am still looking for an answer.

I still remember the last time I saw him, our last facebook conversation, his last text message, the last time he called me.. All but seeing him it was the day he left. I wish more then anything, I didn’t have to say that.

Cherish those who are strong enough to stick by your side. <3

easier said then done.

I wish it was just that, the day we celebrate his life...
If only things were as easy as we would like...

As the days approach the one year mark, I slowly start to feel myself loosing it. Loosing strength, faith, hope, desire, and determination. I can think of more reasons why you should be here, present and living with me then in heaven. Its hard to remember when you are not here to remind me that you love me, and I am your princess.

When it Rains, it Pours

What a perfect day for heaven's tears. 

My pain and tears are masked by the rain.

I know that our Dad is crying with us too...

11 months weak - lacking the power to perform physical tasks.... 

but in a sense 11 months strong - having the power to control my mind, senses, and emotions.

Love those that are strong enough to stick by your side.


<3

We can't predicted the unpredictable...

Life seems to be a little bit harder then normal. While everyone around me is able to live a normal life. I feel like I have to do everything to try to be "normal" be the way I was before things feel through.
It's the people that I choose to surround myself with that keep me from going under. It has been 11 months since my daddy left and I cant even being to explain how hard, even 11 months later, things are.

Reality is something most days I don't want to face. I want to be able to pick up my phone and have my dad on the other line. When people say they wish there was a phone to heaven that is no joke. It hurts.

Luckily I  have such amazing people in my life. Mainly my family. They are so strong for me and are a constant reminder that no matter what we have each other.

Having the best mother on earth sure does make things easier. She is an angel. Her words are so comforting, and even though this isn't her issue she does ANYTHING and EVERYTHING possible to take a little pressure off.

I so proud of all of my brothers and the choices that they make everyday to be the best people they can be, for chasing their dreams and making things happen! I am also so proud of myself. I've pushed through when I was expected to fail, and it would have been acceptable...

Loosing someone you love is unreal. Loosing THE BEST DAD on EARTH.. that is a life crusher. It'll get you. My wish is that one day I will be able to celebrate his life, instead of dwelling on the choice that he made.

Our Family Is FOREVER.

Dizzy

Lesson learned. Don't chase. The right one WILL come around :)

Perfectly stated.

All You Gotta Do Is Stay White And Die...

I always find myself thinking.. well I have to do this...

Truth is, you don't have to do anything at all. All you HAVE to do in this lifetime is stay white and die. 

Simply stated.

My daddy would remind me of this on a daily basis.. and today especially (the 16th-- hitting me like a ton of bricks like always--) I have been thinking about him.

He did more then just "stay white and die" he has given me so much knowledge and advise to take on the world. He showed me unconditional love, and was someone that no matter what, he was always there to help. His decision was irrational, however from a man that preached.. if you don't want to, don't!! He sure did more then just that. He was the type of person that left a huge impact on you. He left you thinking. He had something about him. He was the one man in the world that when he told me something, I would believe it despite everything else. I miss being able to call him and tell him about the men, I want his advise on what I should and shouldn't do. He was a player--but never would let his little princess get played. I wanted more then anything for him to walk me down the isle. Its the little basic things in life that people often overlook, but once it's gone you realize how important the little things are! No one will ever replace him..

I miss my dad so much, but I do have to continually remind myself that I would rather have had my dad for the 19 and a half years that I did, then any other man take his place.

Loveee

Love yourself.

Take today to appreciate who you are. 

Valentines day is the sweetest most romantic holiday of the year...

If you don't have someone to share it with, spoil yourself. You are worth it! :)

<3

Mortified..

Never in my life did I think we would have to do things with out our Dad. Even if it was just being sick, or having a bad day he was always there for you even if it was simple as just talking. Surgery thursday-- I don't think I have ever been more scared. I am glad I can put this experience in my year of "firsts" as well. I miss my dad. I wish more then anything he was here.

Its my mom who is a true saint, when the world falls a part she is the first person to pick me up. She is the most amazing mom and friend anyone could ask for. She has never given up, she has never let me down, she has never not been there for me. No distance will ever keep us a part. However the lack of her picking up her phone is... something else.

I am mortified.... but I know I will make it through. I have a guardian angle watching over me--daddy, and an angel on earth-- mommy. In good hands. Blessed.

<3

Lapsed

Your wish is my command....

I see it like a drug, something that is addicting... it hurts you,, but while you are high the high never gets old..  Its something you find yourself falling in love with. Something that you don't ever want to picture yourself with out.. until one day you come to terms with yourself, that like a drug,-- it will never add value to life. It is not something that can't live with out me. It is not something that has dreams about a future.

There is nothing about it that keeps me holding on. Just not enough STRENGTH to overcome the withdraws. Like every other strong person that overcomes addiction, it is something that will soon be overcome. It will take strength, support, and sacrifice....

Like a drug addict--I've lapsed.

Its emotional addicting. I know I am better off with out. 

It won't be until the day I realize I am better and stronger then the drug, and once my mind, body, and heart are in sync it will just take a matter of seconds to let it all go.

The bookkk-

((Summer obsession. Sits on thee night stand every night.. He's Just Not That Into You.

--> I think he's into me.. but you gotta make sure you are right. so please use the book. hahah :) ))

Okay, so maybe it's just me.. But finding what seems to be the right man in college,  life isn't always the easiest thing in the world. Solely basing your decision on looks,, let me tell you MISTAKE. I don't think in my life I have ever dated someone that wasn't in my eyes incredibly sexy. As I grow and learn I have realized that personality and desire are the things that you are going to want to spend eternity with. Right?

Excuses... Don't put up with them!

He's Just Not That Into You-- Your Daily Wake Up Call.. States the concept perfectly!

15. I know that guy you're dating. He is a man made up entirely of your excuses.. and the minute you stop making excuses for him, he will completely disappear.

We would classify this with a time waster right? Correct.

8. Wasting time with the wrong person is  just time wasted. And when you do move on and find your right person, believe me, you are not going to wish you had gotten to spend more time with Stinky the Time-Waster or Freddy Can't Remember-to-Call....

Am I right, okay the book is right. But seriously put thought into it!

This is no real reflection of my life. I am happy. Satisfied. Stretched across the board, but keeping it real... giving my best everyday and am holding nothing back. 

If you are in love, be in love... but make sure you are on the right page. There is someone out there for you.. and probably more then one person that you are compatible with. Don't let a man dictate your life.

You need to love, cherish, and respect yourself... and the right man will be willing to give you more then you can give yourself.

<3 Love Alwayss

Missing you.

When I want to break down and freak out, give up and call it a day, call it a week.. I remember struggles develop strength. Going through hardship for the last nine and months and making the choice to not to surrender that is true strength. Dealing with loss as well as everyday struggles would push most people over the edge.. .. I am a strong, beautiful, amazing, loving, smart, successful, and a 20 year old gem. I don't there there are too many people in the world that can handle with the strength and dignity the things I have overcome.


I will forever cherish each relationship that I have started and established, I want to leave a name that people will remember, sort of like Mother Teresa. I know I have a long way to go.. but one day I will have that strength and love to be so kind and sympathetic as she.


As I approach each day, I am more positive, more grateful, and have so much more love to give. I am so grateful for my family that has chose to stick it out on earth with me. I am happy and cherish the people that have come and go from my life.


Although I am still unsure why everything happened the way it did. Look at me now, I am so much stronger and have gone through something most people in this world will ever have to face, and for that I am strong and independent. Anyone can give up, but when you hang on when giving up is what is expected from you.. that is STRENGTH.


Blessed. That is the best way to describe my life. I have a Guardian Angel that looks over me each day. Someone that gave me the courage and strength to be the best I can be each and every day. It might only be 20 %.. but its me for now.


I have to thank my family, my mother, the strongest best person to ever walk the earth. A true saint. When the world falls a part she is the first person to lend a hand and pick me back up. My big most amazing brother Damen.. My inspiration.. and my three little brothers. All of them are so much stronger then me.. and I look up to each of them. We are all there for each other... and share a special bond that I promise no one will ever experience with their brothers.


Blessed. Loved. and STRONG.


<3 Always.

Cloud nine..

The bachelor is impressive, he claims to be on "cloud nine" with multiple women. As I reflect on my life I am so unable to give that bond to more then one man. I believe you can fall in and out of love, and I know there are things that keep you from being with someone that you thought you were in deep liking with.. How is it possible for a man to be that "into" so many girls. 

I can relate,, and for this would be a horrible contestant to win Brad's heart. If you are getting up every day giving the man that you think is the most perfect man on earth your all, and you know that he isn't giving you his. What makes these women not want to give up? 

Love is not a game. Its reality. That is someone that you are going to spend the rest of your life with. Do you really want him to be able to take his pick like that. To me, it makes me feel less of a woman.

Its so important for women to know their worth. Determine what you want in a man and until he meets what you are looking for, don't settle for less. 

"If he thinks your worth it.. he won't give up, if he gives up.. he's not worthy"

I know I am only 20 years old, but one day I want to feel that bond, and when you meet that person and get to know them you just know they are the one for you. I want to feel the love that my Dad claims he found. And every happy couple out there.

I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak in the knees when they walk into the room and smile at you.

-daniel gary wilkins 4/15/2010

Don't search. It'll find you! 

<3 always

Control what youuu can.

Daddy left me with some great advice-- control what you can

Think about everything you have complete control over: your actions, your mood, your outfit, your attitude, your focus, what you consume..

Like most other things in life its easier said then done. I often find myself worrying about something that no matter how hard I try to understand why something is the way it is, or trying to fix it... I can't. In order for a person to change they have to want to be different, so let me ask... would this mean nagging them, asking a million times the same thing make a difference? Unless they have no spine the likely-hood of that working is a slim to none chance.

In reality I don't know what I want, and that in fact is something I have complete control over. I know I want happiness, but us humans are "pleasure maximizers" so that is a given for all of us. Like always I am going to put my faith in God and let him help me figure out what is best for me. 

Everything that you can control, you should. You should be the one that determines your life and the path that you want to take.

<3 Love Always